The Importance of Conduct
If you don't make a good first impression, chances are that you could lose out a on a good job or contract.
The way your child carries and conducts herself is important, not just on a personal front but on a professional front as well. Good manners speak a lot about a person's personality and breeding, and it gives others an insight into her nature and capabilities. This insight may or may not be accurate, but it is a fact that people judge others on the way they appear outwardly.
First Impressions
Consciously or sub-consciously, most of us lay a lot of emphasis on first impressions, especially with regard to business matters. In personal matters, we often find that we don't like someone at first, but then as we get to know them better we warm up to them. However, the business and corporate worlds don't function in the same manner. If you don't make a good first impression, chances are that you could lose out a on a good job or contract.
Public Relations
The field of public relations is growing in importance. It's all about the image now. So if your child ever wants a job in public relations, her image will matter as well. Only if she presents a good image of herself, will she be able to portray a good image of the brand she represents.
Confidence
If your child knows that she conducts herself well, with class and aplomb, naturally her confidence and self-esteem will grow. She will have more faith in herself and in her abilities, and this faith will show through in her dealings. Remember, confidence begets confidence, and a person who is self-confident will cause others to have confidence in her.
Attraction
Confident people are more attractive to others. You do not need to be an attention seeker to come across as confident. An ability to hold yourself well, walk erect, have an intelligent conversation, not stutter too much, speak slowly and surely, and look the other person in the eye when talking is also attractive. Of course, everybody has their own little quirks, which make them even more attractive - so if you stammer a little, or fidget, or play with your hair, it doesn't make you less attractive, and, as long as you present an overall image of confidence, these little quirks make you even more appealing.
Manners
It is important to lay emphasis on teaching your child impeccable manners. A person with good manners is a polished human being, and all of us tend to look at such a person in an appreciative light. If your son stands up when being introduced to a lady, says please and thank you often, and has impeccable manners, he will naturally create a good first impression. Also, children with good manners come across as more self assured and confident, since they find their voice easier. A child who has not been taught to say thank you out loud, may shy away from doing the same. A child that is constantly encouraged to thank others when need be, to say please before asking for something, and to apologise immediately on causing inconvenience to others has learnt how to say the right thing at the right time, and so he appears more confident.
Copyright (c) 1999 - 2008 India Parenting Pvt. Ltd.
Disciplining Children
When children are born, they are like blank slates on which their parents' help to script the beginnings of the stories of their lives. Every child grows up and ultimately charts his own destiny, but his parents lay the foundation.
Does Your Child Respect Teachers?
An ancient sanksrit phrase goes, "Acharya devo bhavo" or "Treat your teacher as you would treat God." Of course, most children would scoff at this statement, and far from treating teachers as Gods, few children, and parents for that matter, give teachers the respect they deserve.
Many teachers are in this profession for the love of learning, and for passing on this love to children. There are those teachers who love children, and who love being with children. Other teachers have a desire to do their bit to help shape the minds of the future, while others have a passionate liking for a particular subject, and by teaching and discussing it, they are further immersing themselves in their subject. Of course, there are some teachers who are in the profession solely for earning money, but this tends to be the exception rather than the norm.
Your child's attitude reflects your own attitude towards teachers. So if you believe that teachers teach for the sole purpose of serving your child, your child will also feel the same, and will believe that he is doing the teacher a favour by sitting down to learn. True, some teachers, especially in school, will command the respect of all the students, while others will not, and will constantly be the butt of jokes and pranks. Kids will be kids, and often the milder teachers have to endure more than their share of shenanigans.
While a few harmless pranks are not desirable but acceptable, certain lines should be drawn.
Abuse should not be tolerated. Throwing a paper rocket in class is far different from hurling an abuse to the teacher. While even simple words like 'stupid' should never be directed at a teacher, children should make it a point not to abuse at all in front of teachers, even if the abuse is directed to another classmate. Lalitha Rumani, a professor of commerce at the Sydenham College in Mumbai, commutes by train and often travels back with students. She laments at the fact that many students have no respect for teachers, and don't curtail their language even though they know that a teacher is amidst them. While some children are respectful, most of them couldn't care less. "It simply goes to show what kind of families they come from," she states.
At another incident that took place in Modern School in New Delhi, a teacher was ushering the students along a line. The teacher tapped a student on his back and told him to move along, when the student turned, glared at him, dusted his shirt as if it had been soiled by the teacher's hands, and said; "Don't touch me again. I'm warning you, my father is a lawyer," amidst hoots and cheers from his classmates.
Is this the respect we are bringing up our children with? What would prompt a child to make a statement like that? Did the father give him direct or indirect permission to make such statements in the name of 'fighting for his rights'?
In our keen desire to make our children more confident, we mistakenly urge them on to become aggressive and argumentative instead. We are happy if they have a dozen friends and are enjoying their time at school, which is fine. It doesn't really matter if your child is a class monitor or not. But a 'gang' leader? Is that what you want?
If you sow the seeds of your child gaining popularity by rebelling against their teachers, they will grow up with inflated egos, believing that the world owes them a living. When they realise that they cannot always get what they want, they will pass the blame for their troubles on someone else. "I didn't get admission because the teacher is partial to Amit." "I didn't get the promotion because the boss is a @#$%!" "My wife left me because she is an uncompromising wench." And they will look at their more successful peers with envy, jealousy and hatred, and will grow up to be bitter individuals.
Is this the future you want for your child?
If you want your child to grow up to be confident, there are other ways of doing it. Confidence need not come with aggression, nor with rebellion and 'fighting' for your 'rights'. Let your child take a cue from his school head girl or head boy. Is she rude to teachers or to other students? No. Does he display a bad temper? No. However, isn't she still confident? Yes. Can he make a speech in front of the entire school without quaking in his boots? Perhaps. Does she have a strong respect for her teachers? Yes!
Unless you instill a respect for teachers in your child, he will never develop a desire to learn. And when and if he does, it may be too late, and he will look back at the wasted years with regret. Don't let this happen to your child. Put him on the path to success at the outset, by simply teaching him to respect his teachers.
Copyright (c) 1999 - 2008 India Parenting Pvt. Ltd.
Teaching Respect
- Sangeeta
Reena has two children, a nine-year-old son and a four-year-old daughter. She is constantly receiving complaints about her son's rude behaviour from his school - and even from his grandparents. Her daughter too has begun throwing her weight around, and seems to have no respect for her elders. Reena is embarrassed, confused and doesn't know what to do.
Lack of respect is becoming rather common these days, especially where the children are exposed to cultural imperialism and high doses of warped societal values via the television. Children also witness or hear things from people around them, which they adopt. We cannot always control our child's environment. However we can teach them what is correct and respectful behaviour.
Teaching our children respect is the most valuable lesson we can give them. As parents we have to inculcate 'respect' in our children from an early age, so they grow up to be respectful citizens.
Explaining
Begin when the child is a toddler. Tell him that everyone should be treated with kindness and consideration. Guide him, and praise him whenever he behaves. Also, tell him if he wants to be treated with consideration, he must show the same to others. So he must stop talking back to his peers, and instead, deal with his feelings in other ways. What Reena should do is sit down and have a talk with her children separately. She should find out what her son's problem is, whether it stems from some complex within, hurt, or anger. Once Reena gets to the bottom of things, she should try to help her son resolve the same in ways other than 'talking back', 'cheekiness' or 'rowdiness'. She can even help him practice at home how to deal with situations confidently yet politely. For her younger daughter, together with explaining the right way to behave, a stern hand is needed to curb the typical phase of a wilful four year old, before it turns into a habit. Respect is conveyed in various ways, through use of words, actions and body language. A child may not have said anything disrespectful in words to his teacher, but his body language may have been insolent.
Words
Children must be taught the value of words. Through examples in daily life, show them how words can hurt, anger or be disrespectful. Words should be used with care and caution, as once uttered they cannot be taken back. For instance, if your child is hurt because his playmate called him names, tell him that just as his friend's words hurt him, similarly his taunting could hurt his friend. If he wants his friend to behave well, he too must make the effort to be nice.
Actions
A child must be taught that his actions towards his peers or friends reveal instantly his deference to them. Even if an elder shouts at him, shouting back or hitting is not acceptable behaviour. Actions speak louder than words, goes the saying. So if a child has been according respect to his teacher, but at the same time makes faces behind his back, the action speaks louder about his 'respect' towards his teacher.
Body Language
This is an oft forgotten aspect of parenting. Certain forms of body language remain with a person even in adulthood. Gestures like shrugging shoulders, various motions of hands or feet that children use today, are improper body language for a child, and show disrespect. Any such rude body language should be pointed out to the child at the first available opportunity.
Modelling
Every interaction with children provides an opportunity to teach values.
Through daily interactions
A child will not always remember what he has been told about 'respect', but he will remember what we have done or how we have behaved in similar circumstances. If we show sensitivity towards his feelings and scold him in privacy rather than in front of others, he will learn the meaning of respect.
Through our examples
If we want our children to accord respect and deference to their peers no matter what our own adult frictions, we must make an effort in front of the children to treat our elders too with respect. If you want your child to be respectful to others, demonstrate the same through your own actions and attitude. If you want your child to be a courteous, law-abiding citizen, let him observe your conduct when you are driving, shopping, or attending a social event. Children learn mostly by observing our actions.
Through the way we do things as a family
Respect is something we must give in order to get. When a child lives in a respectful atmosphere, it shows in his treatment of others. So respect your spouse, and your child will learn to respect his or her spouse in turn. Respect your parents, and your child will learn to respect you.
Teaching Respect For Self
A child has also to be taught the meaning of 'respect for self'. This can be demonstrated through an unwillingness to endure disrespect. The more often parents model respect for the child, the less often they need to discipline the child.
Those times when we ask a child to do something and he does not respond, we can model mutual respect by delaying a privilege or pleasurable activity. Speak to your child in tones you would like to hear from him. Validate him by listening to him. Minimize his mistakes, focus on what he does right and encourage it. Express appreciation for his help, and show your faith in him. Encourage signs of progress and avoid demanding perfection. Avoid criticizing and nit-picking or fault finding. Make requests rather than barking out orders. Very soon you will have a respectful child. Teach your child that you have to earn respect. Remember, respect is commanded, not demanded.
Copyright (c) 1999 - 2008 India Parenting Pvt. Ltd.
Saying "Thank You"
Teach your child that conveying appreciation is more special when it is done by way of a thank-you note or a telephone call.
The next time a relative or friend gives your child a wonderful present or takes her out and shows her a great time, make sure your child thanks him not just immediately, but takes the time out to make a quick thank-you telephone call the next day. This simple gesture makes a world of difference to the way your child comes across. If your child has received a beautiful top as a gift from a relative, your child should ideally open the gift in front of the person, so she can appreciate it there and then and thank the gift-giver. Then, the next day, your child can make another phone call just to say that she tried on the top and that it fits really well, looks very nice etc.
If you have returned from a holiday and stayed as guests at someone's house, needless to say, you and all your family members would have thanked the hosts profusely before heading back home. But on reaching home, not only should you make it a point to shoot off a thank-you email, but a thank-you email or card from your child will come across as very thoughtful.
Encourage your child to make her own thank-you cards rather than buy one from the store. This is more personalized, and comes across as a warmer and more heartfelt gesture. And if your child is creatively inclined, you can be sure she will love making little thank-you cards and notes. Doing this will also instill a sense of responsibility in her.
When should your child start sending thank-you notes?
As soon as your child is old enough to write a little, and old enough to appreciate a gift that she has received, she should start showing her appreciation by making and sending thank-you cards.
What should she include in the card?
Your child should mention the gift that she has received, and can add another line stating what she likes about it. Perhaps she really liked the colour, or perhaps the present was something she needed. A note stating "Red is my favourite colour, so I truly love the red skirt you have given me and cannot wait to wear it! Thank you so much!" sounds far better and more personal than a note saying "Thank you for your lovely present."
What does your child do if she doesn't like the present she has received?
Remind your child to bear in mind that the person has put time, money and effort into buying the present, and for that, she needs to be appreciated. Perhaps she bought what she thought was nice. This is also a time where your child can learn to be tactful. Your child need not falsely praise the gift, but can just mention it in the card. Saying, "Thank you for the sweater, I really needed some additions to my winter wardrobe!" is a nice way of putting it.
Sending thank-you notes or following up a kind, generous gesture with a thank-you telephone call places your child in another category completely - a category of children with exceptional good manners and classy upbringing.
Copyright (c) 1999 - 2008 India Parenting Pvt. Ltd.
Basic Manners for Children
All children need to be taught their manners. Here are some manners that every child should learn.
Have you ever visited someone's home and come away feeling disgusted by the behaviour of the children there? While it is true that no one is perfect, children are expected to conform to certain behavioural norms. For example, greeting guests and not interrupting an ongoing conversation between two adults are rules that every child must follow, no matter how old he is.
In today's world, it is easy to send your child for etiquette classes. There he will learn how to carry on a conversation, which cutlery to use for certain foods, and a whole host of other social skills. However, teaching your child his manners is a task that should begin at home.
Manners are Important
Society is such that an individual is judged on the basis of his social skills. Manners play a big role in social behaviour. They influence people's perceptions and behaviour towards an individual. Good manners indicate a good upbringing and are a mark of good breeding.
Each set of circumstances has its own accepted manners. However, all manners are based on the same principal; that is consideration for other people and being mindful of their feelings. In each scenario, there are three main criteria to determine if an individual has good manners. These are diplomacy, hospitality, and tact.
Teach Children when they are Young
Teaching a child how to behave should begin from the time your child is able to speak. A few basic manners are listed below.
Waiting his turn: If you are busy speaking to someone else and your child wants to speak to you, he should wait quietly, until you have finished your conversation. If your child interrupts you, explain to him that you are busy and ask him to wait. If he persists, tell him that when many people speak at the same time, no one can be understood.
If your child is waiting to speak to you, reach out your hand to touch him and let him know you are aware of his presence. When you do listen to him, give him your complete attention. This will teach your child that waiting to speak to you ensures you will not be distracted when his turn comes.
Greeting people: Teach your child to greet a visitor to your home. When he is young, your child need not shake hands with a visitor. A simple 'hello' will suffice. A child older than five can be taught to shake an adult's hand while greeting him. Although this is a typical Western form of greeting someone, it is also accepted in India. Even if he is shy around people he is meeting for the first time, he should still greet them politely to make them feel welcome.
The same greeting behaviour should be followed when he visits someone's home. Have your child greet every member of the household. How a person is greeted will sometimes depend on the level of formality you follow. In most Indian households, he would be expected to touch the feet of the adults, as a mark of respect. Make sure you teach your child the different forms of greeting people. Also, guide him on the method to use in each situation.
Saying 'please' and 'thank you': If your child is asking for something, he should always say please. If he forgets, have him repeat his request again and remind him that he forgot to say please. Explain to him that when he asks for something without saying please, it appears like a demand, rather than a request.
Your child should always thank a person when he receives a gift from someone and when someone complies with his request. He should say thank you even when someone compliments him for any reason.
Teach your child manners using positive reinforcement techniques. Praise your child when he does something right. If he makes a mistake, gently explain to him why he is wrong and show him the correct way to act. Remember though, that manners cannot be learned in a single day. You will need to keep reminding your child about them. This will ensure that he grows up into a charming, well-mannered adult.
At what age do you think children should be taught their manners? Is it better to teach them at home or send them for classes to a professional? Which are the basic manners that every child should know? To share your tips, views, and experiences, click here.
Copyright (c) 1999 - 2008 India Parenting Pvt. Ltd.
Manners are Important repeated...
Society is such that an individual is judged on the basis of his social skills. Manners play a big role in social behaviour. They influence people's perceptions and behaviour towards an individual. Good manners indicate a good upbringing and are a mark of good breeding.
Each set of circumstances has its own accepted manners. However, all manners are based on the same principal; that is consideration for other people and being mindful of their feelings. In each scenario, there are three main criteria to determine if an individual has good manners. These are diplomacy, hospitality, and tact.
Teach Children when they are Young
Teaching a child how to behave should begin from the time your child is able to speak. A few basic manners are listed below.
Waiting his turn: If you are busy speaking to someone else and your child wants to speak to you, he should wait quietly, until you have finished your conversation. If your child interrupts you, explain to him that you are busy and ask him to wait. If he persists, tell him that when many people speak at the same time, no one can be understood.
If your child is waiting to speak to you, reach out your hand to touch him and let him know you are aware of his presence. When you do listen to him, give him your complete attention. This will teach your child that waiting to speak to you ensures you will not be distracted when his turn comes.
Greeting people: Teach your child to greet a visitor to your home. When he is young, your child need not shake hands with a visitor. A simple 'hello' will suffice. A child older than five can be taught to shake an adult's hand while greeting him. Although this is a typical Western form of greeting someone, it is also accepted in India. Even if he is shy around people he is meeting for the first time, he should still greet them politely to make them feel welcome.
The same greeting behaviour should be followed when he visits someone's home. Have your child greet every member of the household. How a person is greeted will sometimes depend on the level of formality you follow. In most Indian households, he would be expected to touch the feet of the adults, as a mark of respect. Make sure you teach your child the different forms of greeting people. Also, guide him on the method to use in each situation.
Saying 'please' and 'thank you': If your child is asking for something, he should always say please. If he forgets, have him repeat his request again and remind him that he forgot to say please. Explain to him that when he asks for something without saying please, it appears like a demand, rather than a request.
Your child should always thank a person when he receives a gift from someone and when someone complies with his request. He should say thank you even when someone compliments him for any reason.
Teach your child manners using positive reinforcement techniques. Praise your child when he does something right. If he makes a mistake, gently explain to him why he is wrong and show him the correct way to act. Remember though, that manners cannot be learned in a single day. You will need to keep reminding your child about them. This will ensure that he grows up into a charming, well-mannered adult.
At what age do you think children should be taught their manners? Is it better to teach them at home or send them for classes to a professional? Which are the basic manners that every child should know? To share your tips, views, and experiences, email me.
Teaching the Art of Polite Conversation
Children are prone to interrupting
Children are definitely not born good conversationalists. As a matter of fact, their self-absorption leads them to conduct monologues rather than dialogue. They feel that whatever it is they want to say is of earth-shattering importance and everyone, particularly parents, should stop whatever they're doing and lend them a ear.
Thus, you will find children blithely interrupting their parents' telephone conversations, meetings, conversations with their friends and their work. Parents who are trying to discuss some important issue or working on files that they have brought home from work find their children intruding on their thoughts, conversations, time and space.
You may indulge your children a few times, but not every time they interrupt you. At some point your annoyance is going to get the better of you and you will snap at them. Soon, this will become a habit and they will turn a deaf ear to your protests and continue to interrupt you thinking that it is their right. You have to get the message across that your existence and that of other people in the world does not revolve around them. They must understand that they cannot expect other people's unqualified attention as their due. In fact, they can only expect that if they return the favour and listen to what other people have to say too.
Teaching your children to be polite
Be a good listener yourself. Listen to your child and guide her so that she knows when she should be listening.
Instead of nagging her or being short with her when she interrupts, develop a less aggressive way of telling her that she has to wait. May be you can lay your hand gently on her arm or request her in a firm, but kind tone to wait.
Remember that she is a child after all, so don't have unreasonable expectations and make her wait for a long time before you get back to her. It is well known that patience is a virtue that is rare even in adults.
If she has forgotten what she wanted to say in the interim, do not be dismissive and say that it could not have been important to begin with.
Tell your child not to interrupt you when you are on the telephone by speaking. Suggest to her that she could tug at your arm or communicate her need to speak to you in some other non-verbal fashion. Tell her that you will acknowledge her need to speak to you by gesturing that she wait so she knows that you have heard her.
If your child still refuses to learn, then when she interrupts your telephone conversation the next time, remain calm and ignore her. If possible, go into another room and lock her out.
If you know that you're about to have an important conversation and want to be safe from interruptions, give your child advance warning that you're going to be busy for a little while and give her something like a colouring book or a puzzle that will occupy her for some time.
You can play a game with your child where you take turns interrupting each other while the other is trying to say something. This way your child will learn just how annoying it is to be interrupted.
Your child will learn good manners if you exhibit them yourself. Hence, if you have to break in on any conversation, make sure that you say "Excuse me…"
Do not forget to praise your child when she lets you get on with your work or conversations without interrupting you.
Copyright (c) 1999 - 2008 India Parenting Pvt. Ltd.
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